A Different Dream
by the gnome
Summary: Post 02 monologue fic. Ken-chan is angsty... shounen-ai warning


Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, or anything of worth, so your suing efforts would be useless, ha! Useless I say! No seriously, I'm not out to make any money, just have fun. (and surely that's not against the law is it?)  
  
Warning: Shounen-ai. That is Male/Male romances. For the sanity of everyone involved, please don't bother to read something which will just disgust you if you don't like that sort of thing.   
  
  
***  
  
A Different Dream  
  
***  
  
I don't hate the darkness. It is peace, it is calm, it is, anasthetic.  
  
I am a coward, a weakling, and a fool to long for its embrace.  
  
Many years ago, I stood on a plain consumed by its midnight tendrils and never feared it at all. What I feared the most, was always, myself.  
  
That day, we six took our stand, uniting the hopes of the world, banishing the dark so that light would shine upon all of us, to purify. To heal.   
  
It was a healing borne of pain.  
  
From the moment he pulled us from our nightmare visions, I knew what was needed. Abandoning that fear, we became heroes.  
  
Those are the roles we play. Every one of us is an example of people who lived their dreams, people whose lives are dreams. He was the only one with the courage to grasp for what he really wanted, regardless of the stigma. He was the only one who was not captured by a false fantasy. Only he believed in the truth.  
  
I turned him down. All for a lie. But that is the consequence I learned, so long ago.  
  
Every light casts a shadow. No good can exist without an equal and opposite evil. The knowledge curses us even now.  
  
It is a personal struggle. I tell myself that. I tell myself it is better than to battle for both worlds.  
  
I cast off the darkness. I forgot that the horror in watching my numerous victims take their vengeance upon me, was, that I very much deserved it.  
  
Yet I claim to be a hero.  
  
Was justice served in watching the helpless I enslaved break me in return, or was it right to be forgiven? I can not know. Only he does. He is worthy of both his ideals and his reality. The rest of us have sacrificed our selves to a deny the darkness. When day can be so cruel.  
  
His world is reality. Mine is just a dream. I enjoy my every waking moment. I enjoy the laughter in my childrens' voices, the simplicity of my chosen profession. I enjoy the warmth of my wife beside me. Even if there's nothing so pure as love between us. We are comfortable. We will live the rest of our lives as one.  
  
I know I am a monster. For in such an existence, such a perfect existence, I find the retribution for all my sins. I was evil. My hands overreached themselves in blind passion for the darkness, for the complete self awareness I felt only in moments of twisted sadism.  
  
This is my new life. From this example, perhaps I can prevent others from falling into my nightmare. I will forget my lingering darkness, I will love the ideal that I live.  
  
He freed us for this. He saved us from ourselves, because only he was strong enough to balance. Neither the darkness or the light can ever be used against him. He is fire and lightning, cutting and burning, warming and healing and he will stand against the darkness and not be blinded by the light.  
  
Though he is my darkness. Because whenever I close my eyes, when I'm left to the stillness and the black, it is always the same. Since the day he vanquished the image and brought me into this fight. The two at the center have become him. Not the Kaiser. Nor my brother.  
  
It is he who is lashed to the stake. And the Kaiser is there. I am there. Smiling, ripping him into peices, as the flowing blood cannot conceal the forgiveness in his eyes. He cannot speak through the pain and still I smile. Until he dies. When he is gone as surely as the other trappings of my own vanity. He would take my sins and pain, but i beat him until I am numb.  
  
And then it is he again who reaches to take my hand, who offers me love. And this is what I cannot give. I awaken.  
  
Still, I long for the darkness, for him. But he made us hereos. And I can not perform the final betrayal. I will pretend that I am whole in the light, never letting him know, that between the nightmare he rescued me from and the life he saved me for, I dream a different dream. I dream of him.   
  
***  
  
A/N: ah, incoherent, angsty, shamelessly self indulgent, denial fic. and my homage to kensuke. everyone's got the right to the occassional monologue ficlet no? anyway, this is for, well, you know who you are. you are always an inspiration. (well sorry the fic itself is bad, but it was the thought that counted?) oh, and twisted dai-kun on a stick was her brainchild...   
  
  
  
  



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